Not everyone feels completely comfortable engaging in self-disclosure, even to the people we hold most dear. Early in a relationship it seems particularly difficult to know just how much to reveal to the other person. However, you would think that by the time a couple gets really close to each other, they’d be unlikely to hold back in the sharing department.Intrigued by the question of who keeps secrets, and why, University of Tennessee psychologist Beth Easterling teamed up with her colleagues from East Carolina University (2012) to find out specifically whether sexual orientation might influence the level of disclosure in close relationships. They reasoned that people in same-sex relationships spend more of their lives keeping their sexual orientations a secret to avoid the prejudice and discrimination they might face if they disclosed the truth to others. Therefore, they would carry this tendency to hide things even once they were in a relationship in which they felt comfortable with their partner.
There’s surprisingly little research on secret-keeping in relationships, so in addition to informing us about the role of sexual orientation in this phenomenon, Easterling et al.’s study sheds light on the issue in general. In essence, the data from Easterling and her colleagues confirm the notion that secret-keeping becomes a basic way of relating to others among people who keep to themselves about their sexual orientation. A lifetime of living in the closet, as it were, makes a person naturally reticent to share openly to someone else, even a close relationship partner. However, also to emerge from this study were some, shall we say, revealing facts about who else keeps their partners in the dark.
Of course, there are secrets and then there are "secrets." You might not admit to even your closest friend on the planet, much less your relationship partner, how much time you waste playing online games, scouring the sale racks of your local outlet stores, or reading pulp fiction. You might even hide the fact that you don't cook your partner's favorite brownie recipe from scratch but instead use a mix. These seem like innocent enough little lapses especially if you don’t allow them to interfere with your time together. Assuming that this is not the case, then such relatively minor foibles wouldn’t be considered “secrets.” According to Easterling and her colleagues, a secret is a secret in a relationship if it “directly affects or concerns the individual but is withheld from the partner” (p. 198).
An obviously example of such a relationship secret might be not telling your partner that you were once married or, worse, still are. Apart from this extreme, other examples of relationship secrets would concern your family (a siblingcommitted suicide) or your own past life (you were abused as a teenager). Secrets about finances would also qualify as relationship secrets if, for example, you have a huge unpaid debt or, conversely, a secret bank acount that you use to pay for things you don't want your partner to know about.
The participants in the Easterling et al. study completed an online survey about themselves, their relationships, and their secrets. They ranged in age from 16 to 72 (with the average at 20 years old). Three-quarters were female, about the same percent was heterosexual, and only one-third weren’t in a married or serious relationship.
In general, a large majority (60%) of the sample admitted to keeping at least one secret from their partners at some point in life, and one-quarter said they were keeping a secret right now. On a relationship secret scale ranging from 0 to 355 (based on number and frequency of secrets), the average score was 217. Apparently, there are important secrets that people do keep from their partners, though not everyone does so to the same extent.
As I mentioned earlier, Easterling and her team confirmed the basic hypothesis that people in homosexual relationships were more likely to keep secrets from their closest relationship partner. After accounting for sexual orientation, the people most likely to keep secrets were those who were female, married, or black. Easterling and her team believed that blacks were more likely to keep secrets for similar reasons as people in homosexual relationships—as a minority, they wish to avoid disapproval from the white majority and so learn that it's better to keep things to themselves in general.
People in relationships keep secrets for many reasons. First and foremost, particularly for the women, is the desire to avoid hurting their partner or damaging the relationship. For spouses, though, who you would expect to be less likely to keep secrets (or would you?), keeping a secret allows them to avoid the disapproval of their partner. Easterling presented the following argument to account for this finding: Culturally, we expect married people to be faithful to the wishes of their partner. Anything you do that goes counter to your spouse’s wishes is evidence of your lack of loyalty. If your spouse really doesn’t want you to spend any time at all playing online games, then you’ll have to keep your gaming a secret. Another reason for keeping secrets is due to feelings ofshame. Individuals in romantic relationships may feel that what they’re doing would not only lead their partner to disapprove, but to lose faith in them.
This last findings suggests what’s really going on with secrets in our closest relationships, particularly ones involving long-term commitment. As Easterling and colleagues point out, “spouses keep more secrets because the cultural script demands a higher level of honesty” (p. 206). To maintain the illusion that you’re being completely open with your spouse, you might have to keep your actual behavior a secret. Your sin is not one of commission, then, but of omission. It’s not actually a lie to not tell your spouse what you’ve been up to if that behavior would violate your spouse’s expectations of you. Instead, it's just something you don't bring to your partner's attention.
A secret might not be an actual lie, then, but it’s still reflects a barrier that keeps a couple from being truly close with each other. Easterling and her team cite earlier research on secrets in relationship that points to the “chilling” effect that they have on a couple. There are some secrets that, if known, would be considered particularly stigmatizing, particularly those involving sexuality such as unwanted pregnancies, rape, STDs, previous abortions, and promiscuity. Other secrets may relate to rule-breaking behavior, such as teenage shoplifting or drug use, or perhaps may fall into the “none-of-your-business” category, such as having a parent or sibling with mental illness.
It seems that the most damaging type of secret to have is exactly the kind that you fear would lead your partner to disapprove of you. Protecting those secrets that lie in the core of your identity are precisely those that keep your partner from having a complete picture of you, flaws and all. The longer you keep those secrets, the more difficult they become to keep, and the more they can destroy the pathways of communication between you. On the other hand, as Easterling and her colleagues point out, even the closest partners may need to keep some things secret in order to protect their relationship. It’s because you value your partner that you’re willing to put up with the burden of hiding the secret that you know would cause pain.
What does this study mean for the average person in a close relationship? Should you admit everything or keep your secrets to yourself? Start by being honest with yourself about the secrets you’re keeping. What is it you’re trying to hide, and why? If letting the secret out would harm your partner or relationship, you may have to live with it. However, the chances are that you’re not the only one in the relationship who’s got a secret or two, or more. You may be surprised to find out not only what your partner is keeping under wraps, but that your most feared outcomes of letting your cat out of the bag never materialize.
The take-home message from this study seems to be that secrets are common even in the most open of relationships. Explore their role in yours, and you may gain true insight into yourself, and your closest partner.
that is true
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